Why is Divorce a Dirty Word? My Life & My Therapy Practice

Why is Divorce a Dirty Word? 

I was married at 23 and divorced by 30. That year my closest friend became engaged and I "healed" from my divorce by working my ass off as a bridesmaid. The coincidence was far from enjoyable, and I did my very best to be a supportive friend and to act as if the divorce meant nothing. The truth was far from the way that I portrayed myself to the world. The divorce caused me to feel a deep sense of shame. I felt as if I failed all of my wedding guests and I struggled to find direction. I never thought about going to therapy for something as trivial as a life changing divorce. Instead I behaved as if it meant nothing, and that my "starter marriage" was simply a juvenile mistake. I found that the more I minimized the experience, the more shame I felt. I would strongly suggest that you avoid my mistakes.

As I work as a therapist, I have found so many adults leaving marriages. My clients come to me at all phases of their separation or divorce process, and the stigma remains. As a person (and a therapist) I feel strongly that divorce is a life changing incident. Even the best divorce is earth shattering and should always be a time for therapy, for reflection, and for hope. 

I am so thankful that my ex-husband filed for divorce. I was too young and immature to choose a life partner, and I chose the wrong one. Now I have a truly kind man in my life and I am thankful for our steady connection. We met as we both exited our "starter marriages" and formed a deep friendship that after many years became a romantic connection. He is my best friend and everything about him is either wonderful, annoying, or permanently frustrating. But we are committed to each other in every way that my ex never was. 

Please learn from my story and my experience. If you are in a toxic marriage, please get divorced. Leave your spouse and begin a healing journey. Your journey may end up in another marriage (or not) but there is nothing worse than spending a lifetime connection with the wrong person on the other end.

If you are looking for a divorce therapist, reach out. 

Sara Fischer Sanford, LCSW

www.BridgetoWellnessCounselingSF.com